Lords of Salem Movie Review

Finally got to watch another horror movie. It's been a while I'm just so busy that it's hard to fit in time to watch movies. I wish we picked a better movie than this. I cannot remembering much about how the movie was advertised, but I don't think it showed much.

Synopsis: I'm not 100% sure what this movie was about, but I believe it was about revenge for the women (yes the actual witches) who died during the witch trials on the family of the man who was responsible.

Review: I think Rob Zombie as a horror writer and director has lost it's appeal. I know I was poorly mistaken when I thought he couldn't doing after watching House of a 1,000s Corpses I was ready for more of his movies. Devil's Rejects was decent and the Halloween reboots were okay. This one by far is the worse. I was bored right from the beginning. I was confused on what was going on and where the story was going.

I feel like there wasn't much put into the movie and either they cut a lot out of the final production or didn't have enough money because the movie just ended and the credits played similar to House of a 1,000 Corpses. I was let down by this movie and felt like we wasted time watching it. So unless you're a huge Rob Zombie fan and have to watch and listen to everything he does don't waste your time on this movie.

I will say that I spent a little time in Salem a few years ago and during the movie was trying to see if I recognized anything.

Movie Review: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

I have yet to read the book, but I held off on it after being so disappointed with Pride Prejudice and Zombies. I wanted to see this movie to give me an idea if the book was any good. I finally got it in from netflix and here's my review on it.

Synopsis: We learn the "truth" behind Abraham's childhood and how be became a great leader. His mother is killed by a vampire and he goes out looking to kill the vampire that killed her when he's an adult. In his failed attempt a stranger helps him and teaches him how to kill vampires. We see him progress into the man we knew with a dark secret.

Review: 

Like I said I was hesitant on reading the book and only got into seeing the movie after seeing the trailers and being impressed by what I did see. I have also been falling away from vampires since Twilight has ruin them and very few people have been able to do them in a new way. 

With that said I did like the take of vampires in this movie. I thought the look of them and how they could look like everyday people was a great twist to the myth. It was refreshing to see it taken to a different way, but not in a weird sparkling crap. 

I will say I find the sunglasses to be distracting. I have yet to find if people really wore those back in the 1800s, but in every movie that shows people wearing them I automatically assume they are evil. I believe Dracula wears them as well. 

I really thought the Abraham vampire hunter and the politician was done well. They blended the two sides really well and there was no issues for me on it. It was a secret part of him, but one that was done well that you could see the possibility of it. 

I also like how they focused on Lincoln and not only on the Civil War. While that is an important part of his presidency, there was more to him and I like how they focused on his life and the challenges he faced. 

Also, the actions scenes were done very well and I didn't see any issues with the flow of the fights or the effects.

So it's a decent movie that I think is a good one for those who want a movie that is a little different from the other vampire movies.

Movie Review: The Tall Man

I'm not sure which is worst. A really bad horror movie you thought was going to be good, or a movie that appears to be a horror movie, but really isn't.

Synopsis: In a small mining town that has seen better days children are starting to go missing. The town folks quickly accuse a mythical man named "The Tall Man" for taking these children with no trace as to where they have gone. The town's nurse's child goes missing and a whole new plot unfolds.

Review: This was one of those movies that the post caught my attention when I saw it on another site. I decided to watch it when I had the chance and now I want to go back and see if it was actually labeled as a horror movie. Like Straw Dogs, this appears to be a horror movie, but really it's just a suspense/mystery movie. 

I thought the first part of the movie was really good. The twists that come later were done really well because you were not expecting them. They also kept coming and by the end of the movie you understand it all. Even though you still wonder how they did it, there's little that is not explained. 

My BIG issue with this movie was the lack of this Tall Man. I was hoping they would play more with the myth, even if it was people taking children to have a better life. I wanted them to create more of a legend  with him. They could have done it. I was thinking at the beginning of the movie that it would be similar to The Mothman Prophecy. So I think they fell short on building this Tall Man. 

I do understand the movie and where it was coming from on why they were taking the children. I think that added an element to the movie. Jessica Biel does an amazing job in this movie and she does an amazing job with her role.

I say give this movie a try. You might end up liking it, even if it's not really a horror movie.  

Movie Review: The Devil's Carnival

After their first movie Repo! the Genetic Opera became a cult hit can they do it again with their latest movie The Devil's Carnival? I was hoping they would.

Synopsis: Lost souls enter The Devil's Carnival where they are each faced with the sins they committed in life. (Taken from IMDB) I had to take their synopsis because I just cannot explain it. 

Review: I LOVED Repo when we rented it and hope that this movie would live up to that one. Sadly, for me it did not. I am still a little confused on what was really going on the entire movie. I get that they are all sinners and are being punished, but it's not made very clear for two of them what their sin actually was. 

I only knew one of the stories and that one made no sense to me. It's the Frog and the Scorpion one for those of you who have seen the movie. I get the story, but what was the girl's sin? Loving guys that would hurt her? Doesn't make sense. 

The music fell short too. I still remember the music from Repo. My fiancé has the soundtrack and it's just amazing. The music in this movie isn't as rememberable. The only song that sticks is the one you hear in the trailer... okay maybe two songs, but that's it. The movie isn't even an hour long. So there's a short about of time they have to tell the story. 

I think if you enjoyed Repo you'll like this one, but not as much. Give it a watch and see if you agree with me. Netflix currently has it on instant view. 

Cabin in the Woods: Movie Review

I actually have another movie to review that I saw weeks ago, but I'm moving this one ahead of it since I watched it for The Madness and I felt like it was a good review since it was only recently released on DVD. This movie was talked about a lot because it's a little different from most horror movies and a very interesting idea.

Synopsis: A group of college kids go to a cabin in the woods to spend the weekend. Their trip quickly turns into your average slasher movie... or does it? There is more going on and two of the kids find out what is really going on.

Review: Now I will be throwing spoilers in this review so if you haven't seen it and like me don't want to know what's going on until you've seen it do not read any further!!!

So I loved this movie. It's not my favorite horror movie, but it is different enough that I feel like it deserves a watch and a long discussion with others who have seen it. I love that there's some group that plans this "nightmare", but it's not done like you imagine it would be. No people doing it for fun, or to get famous. No they are doing it to please the ancient ones. Though I do feel like they lack much explanation of the ancient ones and why they are so important. Yes, the surprised appearance of Sigourney Weaver does explain, but not enough to make me happy. I want to know more!!!

I like that there was a reason for each murder and who they choose. It makes sense to me, but then again I've seen enough horror movies to know how things usually play out. There are several twists I feel rather than just the one major one. The other one is the "fool" survives. That is a twist because sometimes you do have someone survive that you don't expect and others you don't. Usually if they do survive they are behind what is going on. Not in this case.

And the best part of the movie is all the monsters and creatures that are representing all the horror movies. It's hard to catch them all, but I have copy the list I found from IMBD. They also seem to pay a lot of homage to Evil Dead. The cabin looks just like the one in the movie, minus the swing and through the beginning they make a lot of references to the movie. I caught a few of them, but not all. And because I didn't realize that until I saw the movie in the trailer when they say if it's in latin do not read I assume was taken from other movies or even the show Supernatural.

So I'll end this before you read onto the list of monsters and what films they represent. I give this movie 4 stars. I'm not the biggest Joss Whedon fan, but I think he did a great job with this movie and think it's worth seeing, even if you are not a horror fan.

Monster list according to IMDB:

50 Foot Woman - Seen in dvd extras

Alien Beast - Xenomorph, can be seen during the purge on the control room monitors stalking a female faculty worker. Generic reference: Alien. [Bet on by Bio-Med]

Alma Wade - Seen after the elevators scenes as a little girl in a white dress slowly walking towards the soldier backing away. Directly taken from the FEAR series. She possesses psychic abilities as well as space/time manipulation.

Ancient Ones - Unique god-like beings seen at the end of the film in the pit and bursting through the earth. One in every society. Apparently influenced by the works of H.P. Lovecraft. [Not on Betting Board]

Angry Molesting Tree - Exactly what it sounds like. Seen bursting out of elevator, more detailed scene cut from theatrical release. Specific reference:The Evil Dead. [Bet on by Wranglers]

Blob - Shapeless mass seen in elevator. Specific reference: The Blob. [Not on Betting Board]

Boomer - Bloated zombie seen in elevator. Specific reference: Left 4 Dead. [Not on Betting Board]

The Bride - Bloody woman walking around in a wedding dress. Likely summoned by the wedding dress and choker. Possible reference to The Bloody Bride of 13 Curves Road. [Bet on by Digital Analysis]

Cells - multiple labyrinth of cells holding all the monsters. Generic reference: Cube

Clown - Evil clown that looks vaguely similar to Pennywise. Generic reference: It. [Bet on by Electric]

Cyclops - seen in dvd extras

Deadites - Unknown if seen in film. Specific reference: The Evil Dead. [Bet on by Story Dept]

Demon - Larger horned demonic creatures, seen in backgrounds. Generic reference: Night of the Demons. [No Bets]

Dismemberment Goblins - Winged red creatures and green flightless ones seen attacking soldiers. Generic reference to imps and goblins. Generic reference: Labyrinth. [No Bets]

The Doctors - Evil surgeons wearing aprons and clothes sutured to their bodies. Generic reference: House on Haunted Hill. [Bet on by Accounting]

Dolls aka Babydoll Faces. Sharply dressed people wearing doll face masks, possibly summoned by matching doll face masks, Specific reference: The Strangers. [Bet on by Kitchen Staff]

Dragonbat - Large bat seen chasing people with a split vampire mouth as seen in Underworld and Blade series. Unique creation or possible reference to Underworld: Evolution. [No Bets]

Faceless Women- seen for a short moment when the monsters are released from their cells. Possible a reference to the faceless Nurses from Silent Hill [Not on Betting Board]

Floating Head - seen in dvd extras

Giant - Unknown if seen in film. Can be seen in dvd extras. Generic reference: Trolljegeren. [Bet on by Zoology]

Giant Millipede - seen in dvd extras

Giant Snake - Giant cobra creature. Generic reference: Anaconda / King Cobra. Possibly a reference to the snake creature in Season 3 or Season 5 ofBuffy the Vampire Slayer. [Bet on by Internal Logistics]

Giant Spider - Giant spider creature seen leaping through the halls. Generic reference: Tarantula / Eight Legged Freaks. [Not on Betting Board]

Gremlins - Generic reference: Gremlins Can be seen on the top right screen in the control room during the massacre. [Not on Betting Board]

Hell Lord aka Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain - Buzzsaw face seen holding same orb that summons him. Specfic reference: Pinhead fromHellraiser. [Bet on by Sitterson]

The Huron - Unknown if seen in film. Described in interviews as a Native American, based on Old West settlers' fears of Indian attacks (and scalping). Generic reference: Scalps. [Bet on by Research & Development]

Jack O Lantern - Seen on top left monitor in control room during the purge. Generic reference: (ex. Pumpkinhead). [Bet on by Security]

Little boy with dunce cap and axe - seen in dvd extras

Kiko - The Japanese floating girl ghost. Generic reference: Yurei films (ex. The Grudge & The Ring.) [Seen in Japan]

Kevin - A normal looking man that quickly dismembers people. Scenes cut from film. In interviews, Whedon describes him as looking like "some guy who works at Best Buy." Possible reference: Sin City. [No Bets]

Killbot - Scorpion-like robot with buzzsaws. Generic reference: Hardware & Chopping Mall. [Not on Betting Board]

KKK - seen in dvd extras

Kraken - Massive tentacles seen in various scenes. Generic reference: 20000 Leagues Under the Sea. [Not on Betting Board]

Merman - Hadley's beloved mercreature, summoned by the conch. Generic reference: Creature from the Black Lagoon. [Bet on by Hadley]

Mummy - Mummy creature seen briefly in background. Generic reference: The Mummy. [Bet on by Psychologists]

Mutants - Orange jump-suited humans that vomit into others. Generic reference: Wrong Turn / The Hills Have Eyes / The Toxic Avenger. [Bet on by Demolition].

The Reanimated - Unknown creature seen on betting board. Possible reference: Re-Animator [Bet on by Administration]

Reaver - Small Whedonverse humanoid seen during massacre.Specific reference: Firefly. [Not on Betting Board]

Reptilius - Unknown creature seen on betting board. Possible reference: Reptilicus [No Bets]

Sasquatch / Wendigo / Yeti - Folklore references to the hairy "Bigfoot" type beast. Generic reference: Abominable. [No Bets]

Scarecrow Folk - Humanoids with burlap masks. Generic reference: Scarecrows. [Bet on by Data Archives]

Sexy Witches - Unknown if seen in film. Generic reference: The Craft. [Bet on by Archives]

Snowman - Unknown reference seen on betting board. Possible reference: Jack Frost. [Bet on by Communications]

Sugar Plum Fairy aka Ballerina Dentata - Unique creation summoned by the music box. Loose cross of Black Swan as a child with the tooth fairies from Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Possible reference to El laberinto del fauno. [No Bets]

Tank - Huge monster seen directly below Dana and Marty in the elevator. Specific reference: Left 4 Dead. [Not on Betting Board]

Twins aka Grady's Daughters - Disturbing looking twin girls. Specific reference: The Shining. [No Bets]

Unicorn - Magnificent horned equine. Generic reference: [Bet on by Engineering]

Vampires - Bald, gothically dressed humanoids with sharp ears. Generic reference: Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens. [Bet on by Distribution]

Werewolf - Prominently shown. Generic reference: The Wolf Man. [Bet on by Finance]

Witch - Crying witch seen in elevator. Specific reference: Left 4 Dead. [Not on Betting Board]

Witches - Floating witch seen zapping soldiers. Generic reference: Darkness Falls. [Bet on by Operations]

Wraiths - Various ethereal ghosts seen killing soldiers. Generic reference: 13 Ghosts. [No Bets]

Zombie Redneck Torture Family aka the Buckners - Main villains summoned by reciting a Latin incantation in the diary. A family of rednecks who adhere to a religion that worships pain. Mash-Up of zombie, torture, & killer backwood family films (ex. Wrong Turn / The Hills Have Eyes). The religious element (and the family's "Black Room") reference the Cenobites from Hellraiser. [Bet on by Maintainence & Ronald the Intern]

Zombies - Numerous creatures seen feasting on remains. Generic reference: Night of the Living Dead. [Bet on by Chem Dept]

Dead Alive: Movie Review

It's shocking but I think I have found what in my opinion is the worst horror movie out there and it's gross, gory and directed by a well know director. Yes, worse than Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies and Gacy House. And a lot of horror fans love this movie so what the hell is wrong with me. Well I guess there is such a thing as too much gore for this horror fan... who knew I'd had a breaking point.

Synopsis: A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors. (Taken from IMDB).

Review: As you can see from the movie poster it's hailed as one of the goriest movies of all time. I use to hear people talk about how gory Hostel and Saw movies were... I guess none of those people saw this one. I only watched this movie because my fiancé asked if I had ever seen it and said it was one of those movies you had to watch. I remember seeing this movie back when Blockbusters had storefronts and Netflix and Redbox didn't exist. I was never drawn to it and didn't pay much attention to it. When I saw that Peter Jackson... yes that Peter Jackson directed this movie I figured it would be okay... boy was I wrong. I'll put it nicely if I had seen this movie when it first came out or before seeing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy I would never go see one of his movies.

Why so bad? Well the dorky 1950s plot with awkward nutty professor like acting was just a distraction.  Lots of tripping and falling and not the kind I felt belong in a horror movie. The rat monkey was done out of clay and just looked like the old King Kong or Godzilla movies. The gore... man it is gory and if you cannot stomach much blood, guts, vomit and other bodily fluids in horror movies avoid this one like the plague. You will need to commit yourself to the hospital because you'll be vomiting none stop for weeks. While I do enjoy a gory movie this was overdone and I think was more of a why not than a purpose.

The most disturbing thing for me was the priest and the nurse zombies having sex. This scene will turn off even the most loose girls. I'm going to have nightmares for months now of fat ugly zombies having sex...  No one touch me right now!

I honestly cannot think of anyone who would enjoy this movie, but people do. So if none of what I have describe has turned you off then got watch it. But don't come to me when you nee therapy after seeing thing one.

I gave it one star on Netflix because that's the lowest you can rate, but in all reality it gets 1/4 of a star from me. I just need a big old red no symbol to place over the poster and that's an accurate rating for me.

Movie Review: Beneath The Darkness

This is one of those movies I saw mentioned on another site, saw it was on instant view on Netflix and added it to my queue. I am not sure what the draw to this movie is, but it turned out to be more of a in the background movie while I looked at prepping items online, than focus 100% of my attention on it.

Synopsis: A local mortician is being harassed by a few local teens because they believe he killed their friend and want to uncover his dark secrete.

Review: Like I said above I paid very little attention to this movie and it really did a poor job. Dennis Quad is the only known actor in this movie and the storyline just seems... boring. Yes, we all have heard the whole crazy window/er doing weird things at night and the local teens break into the house to find out what is going on. Yep, it's not a new concept and there really is nothing special to set it apart from the others.

So this movie gets only on star. It's not worth watching and it's not worth buying. Save your time for a much better movie.

Movie Review: Prometheus

Now this maybe not be exactly a horror movie, but it does have elements of horror and I think for some people the Alien movies were classified as horror. So if you are not sure why the hell I am review this movie, those are my reasons. Also, I have only seen clips of Alien and seen all of Alien vs Predator. So I will explain if you are like me and are not familiar with this franchise if you are going to be lost.

Synopsis: A team of scientists explore a new planet in the middle of the universe to find the beginning of mankind. They get more than they bargain for and have to survive here in order to make it out alive.

Review: There was a lot of mystery surrounding this movie so I am not going to give away the entire plot. For those of you who do not know this movie is the pre-qual to Alien. They give that hint towards the end of the movie, but I think people were clueless. During that part a guy in the back was yelling, "What the hell is that? What's going on?" Other's made similar remarks. I may not have seen the movies, but I do know what the Aliens look like.

So the movie while not really scary had some decent gory parts. One in particular I had trouble with it and I usually can detach myself and not get too affected by it. So the gore was up there compare to other movies. Better than some actual horror movies. So if you are hoping for some gross alien goo and gore this movie is for you.

The acting was top notch I didn't have any issues with anyone and while at some parts they are building up to the end might be slow for some people I didn't have an issue. The movie is 2 hours long and I never once was sitting there wondering when was going to end. I have done this in other movies even ones that were an hour and a half I got to a point where I was hoping we were near the end. So the movie flows very nice and you are not really left confused.

If you have not seen any of the Alien movies then you are find to watch this one. Because it's a pre-qual and doesn't seem to assume that the audience has seen the other movies you can sit back and enjoy it without having to have an Alien marathon before seeing this movie.

Also, even though this planet looks bare and deserted there's a beauty to it. I am not sure where Ridely Scott was going with the landscape, but there is something beautiful about it and the entire movie itself.

Over all I say go see this movie. It's truly a good one.

Movie Review: The Devil Inside Me

I meant to write a post on the increasing popularity of documentary horror movies. I still plan on doing it so look out of that post. I saw this trailer several times for this movie and I knew it was going to be horrible. I have not been a fan of this sub-genre of horror movies.  and why they keep getting more and more popular is beyond me. I also feel like most of the have to do with either ghosts or demon possessions. So even after hearing multiple people say this movie was HORRIBLE, I still had to see it for myself.


Synopsis: In 1989, emergency responders received a 9-1-1 call from Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley) confessing that she had brutally killed three people. 20 years later, her daughter Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) seeks to understand the truth about what happened that night. She travels to the Centrino Hospital for the Criminally Insane in Italy where her mother has been locked away to determine if her mother is mentally ill or demonically possessed. When she recruits two young exorcists (Simon Quarterman and Evan Helmuth) to cure her mom using unconventional methods combining both science and religion, they come face-to-face with pure evil in the form of four powerful demons possessing Maria. Many have been possessed by one; only one has been possessed by many. -- (C) Paramount Insurge


Review: well after about 20 minutes of this movie I got bored and gave up watching this. I could not finish it so I have nothing to report than this movie was not worth all the hype. Just put this movie aside and forget all about it. 

Movie Review: The Raven

“The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge.”  - Edgar Allan Poe, The Cask of Amontillado

Yes, this is a quote for a lesser known Poe story, but I remember the plot so well after reading it in Freshman year English Lit. The quote fits with the theme of the entire movie. I am happy to inform you all that myself and Brian of Inglorious Blogsters have combined our witty banter for another joint review. I will say that I do enjoy Poe’s writing and I feel like I am so very sick and tired of hearing or seeing The Raven a million times and so many adaptations I dislike it. I compare this story to Romeo & Juliet or Hamlet for Shakespeare. Both men wrote many great things, but only a few are done so many times you get sick of them.

Synopsis: Strange murders are taking place in Baltimore, Maryland. Strange because they are reenactments of murders in the drunk and egotistical Edgar Allan Poe’s stories. Inspector Fields recruits Poe to help me find this murder or die trying.

Fallen Bettie’s Review: Boy, where the hell do I begin… I guess I should start with that I was very disappointed in this movie. I wanted to like it, but I just could not. It reminded me of how crappy From Hell was and this played right into that. A movie based loosely on facts, but mostly fiction. So I guess you can see where this review is going… yet into the wine cellar and trapped behind a brick wall.

Let’s start off by saying while John Cusack was decent, he looked like any man in a Poe costume.

Exhibit A                                                  

Exhibit B

Does anyone see any resemblance? I don’t and this was my main concern when I heard he was casted. I just don’t see how he was a great Poe. I don’t know who could play the role, but there was little about Cusack that was any resemblance of Poe. How could they not get the facial hair right?!!

I was excited to see other of Poe’s stories than The Raven. Like I said before I dislike that story and not sure why the movie is called the Rave other than to get people to understand it’s about Poe since all they know is that one story. I have always loved The Masquerade of the Red Death. Vince Price did an amazing job in that movie adaption. Which if you haven’t see it go rent it. They try to bring in other of Poe’s great stories and did an okay job of it, but overall the movie a lot of plot holes that at the end I was left with questioning what the point of some of the things were. The best one was The Pit and the Pendulum.  Best scene of the movie!

The whole killer just was odd he had some of a backstory, weakly explained and then mentioned that he was going to Paris to see Jules Vern made no sense. And don’t get me started on the ending… either it was ended to leave the option open for a sequel, which they better not do, or just wanted to add with a dramatic end.  I even joking guessed who it was about 5 minutes before they reveal who it was.

There was also one scene where a Rave is shoot and falls near Poe; I was waiting from him to say, “Nevermore”. I would have busted out laughing because it seem like a perfect scene to throw something stupid in. Of course they didn’t because this is a serious movie.

So to give you something positive about the movie, I know very little about the man himself so I went to Poe Museum’s website http://www.poemuseum.org/index.php. How Poe died really was a mystery and he had a long standing feud with Griswold. He also gave lectures and did some of the other things they showed in the movie.

So overall I say wait till this movie comes out on DVD so you don’t waste too much money or skip it all together if you hated From Hell. Brian posed a very good question to me after the movie. Which is worse Shark Night 3D or The Raven? It killed me, but I had to go with The Rave. I wanted to like it as a fan of Poe’s work, but it was just a sloppy mess.

So to quoth the raven, “Nevermore”.  And no more from me… Until the next review.

Brian's Review:

Edgar Allen Poe is spinning in his grave right now, one rotation for every ticket sale this movie rakes in.  I went into this movie thinking that it could actually be pretty decent.  But then the reviews came pouring in…and they were bad.  I knew I was going to need some help on this one, so I enlisted my good friend Fallen over at “Fallen Bettie’s Horror House” to co-write the review with me.  Just a warning to all the kids, my part of the review will probably contain some profanity, both mild and extreme.  Because this movie sucked – oops, spoiler alert.  I’ll put Fallen’s part of the review in italics.  I’ll have her go first, and then I’ll follow up with my usual Good/Bad/Bottom Line format.  

The Plot

The story is set in 19^th century Baltimore, where a string of murders is occurring.  The unique aspect that ties all these crimes together is the fact that each murder scene is based on a story by Edgar Allen Poe.  A local inspector enlists the help of the eccentric author (played by John Cusack) in order to catch the killer.  Things get personal, however, when Poe’s fiancé is kidnapped by the killer.  Now the local authorities, led by Poe for some reason, are racing against the clock to save her life…and the life of who knows how many more.

Brian – The Good

I honestly can’t think of much that I liked about this movie.  Like Fallen stated, I did like the fact that they used quite a few of Poe’s stories, and not just the major known ones.  Speaking of Poe, I do have to compliment the screenwriters on his use of vernacular.  It reminded me a lot of V from V for Vendetta.  Yeah that’s pretty much it for the good.

Brian – The Bad

Jesus Christ on a bicycle, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH JOHN CUSACK!!  It’s ironic – there’s a scene where his character insults a man by calling him a “mouth-breather.”  Um, hello?!  Take a look in the mirror, Fuckenstein!  Although I did enjoy the way Poe spoke in this movie, I feel like there were two different screenwriters who turned in two separate drafts and then a third party merged the two without the writers being any the wiser.  I’ll give you two examples.  There’s a point where Poe and the Inspector are shouting to each other about something, and then there’s a dramatic clash of lightning, and then a quick shot of (presumably) the killer standing outside the house looking in.  And then…a full minute or two of the characters awkwardly looking around while one of them shuts the drapes for some reason.  It’s as awkward to watch as I’m sure each actor felt.  Another scene, which was supposed to be serious, made me literally LOL.  They are searching for Poe’s fiancé, Emily, in some tunnels underneath the city.  The plan is, the Inspector will blow a whistle, signaling each of the searchers to call out “Emily!” and then wait a few seconds for Emily to hopefully respond.  The problem with this scene is, when the Inspector is explaining the plan, he gets to the part about the searchers shouting “Emily,” Poe emerges from the darkness in the background and quite desperately shouts “Emilyyyyyyyyyy!” as if to demonstrate.  The scene concludes with everyone looking at Poe as if he were a lunatic.  I was waiting for the Inspector to say something like, “Thank you, Edgar, for that very boisterous demonstration….”  There’s quite a lot more that’s broken with this movie, but I don’t want to repeat what Fallen already went over.

Bottom Line

I stopped caring about the plot and the characters about twenty minutes in.  Not really a good sign….  I’ll say this movie wasn’t as bad as Wrath of the Titans, but it’s a close second.  It’s pretty bad to say that The Three Stooges was a good movie in comparison.  Be like the characters in The Masquerade of the Red Death and lock yourself in your houses, away from this plague of a film.  The only reason to see this shitload of fuck would be to MST3K it, which is what I actually started doing in the theater!

FINAL VERDICT: SKIP IT!

The Woman in Black Movie Review

What?! Harry Potter in a horror movie?! Yes, you have not gone to the Twilight Zone since the series has come to an end he has to move onto new movies. Here's my review for his latest movie The Woman in Black.

Synopsis: A young lawyer is sent to a remote village to settle the affairs of a house that is out of the way from civilization. This is his last chance to prove that he is not grieving from his wife's death and left alone to care after their son. When he arrives at this small town the local are not friendly and he gets more than he bargained for.


Review: For those of you who are familiar with Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter it will be a bit odd to see him playing an adult with a child. Regardless of his age his voice is still high pitched and I had some trouble with him being casted in this movie, but I think this is what happens when someone plays the role of an iconic character for so long. If you can get past that then you should enjoy the movie.

Now this movie is based on a Victorian gothic novel by Susan Hill, which from my research as written in the 1980s. Could have fooled me I thought it was published along the same time as Edgar Allan Poe's work. I have not read this book, nor am I familiar with it so I cannot say how the two compare.

Since this is a Victorian goth story and not a modern day horror story there is no gore and is more of a suspense and haunted house kind of movie. Which is not bad it is done very well. Now I was not scared watching this, but there were some scenes that gave me goose bumps. I cannot tell you the last time a movie has done that. Those scenes also might have made me jump if I was in the right setting ie watching this in the dark alone on a rainy night.

Some other random thoughts that popped in my head while watching this were:

• The movie feels like I am watching a Masterpiece Theater production on PBS
• In the nursery when all the toys are going off one of them makes the sound that I swear is Jigsaw from the Saw movies. 
• During the haunting scenes in the house Radcliffe does all the same things you would expect someone to do if they were in a haunted house.

I will say that after watching this movie I am still a little confused to why this woman was doing this to the children. I won't say what as to not spoil the movie. There was little back story, which would have been helpful. Radcliffe's character never really discovered much. It was more about his experience in the house. 

I also tried to find some lore on what it means to see a woman wearing black. Now I am sure if you know even a little bit about ghosts or watch the show Supernatural then you have heard of a woman in white. I was wondering if there was something similar for a woman in black. I had no luck. I know that in those times woman would wear black if they were grieving the death of a love one. Which was very common, but I wanted to know if it symbolized something else. I wasn't able to find anything, but maybe someone out there knows. 

So overall a very good movie with some minor plot holes. Also the ending was unexpected and sort of refreshing after all the crappy movies I have been watching lately.  If you like a good ghost story that might be a little lacking on details this is the one for you.

Movie Review: Straw Dogs

If there's any thing I hate more than a crappy horror movie, it's a crappy movie that pretends to be a horror movie. I am not sure what other's thought about this movie based on the trailer, but I thought this was going to be similar to The Strangers.

Synopsis: David Sumner and his wife Amy movie to her Southern hometown. Tensions build between David and the locals that threatens both his and his wife's lives.

Review: Like I said above I thought this movie was going to be more of a horror film, but really it's a thriller without much to be thrilled about. The acting while okay is not that great when Amy, played by Kate Bosworth is scared for her life because their cat was murdered. She acts like she knows something about the anger of her ex Charlie, but she doesn't explain it. It seems like over kill and a silly woman overreacting.

Nothing makes much sense in this movie. I am not sure how the original was and I cannot seem to find a copy of it for comparison. I think it fell very short of being good. While the movies had it's moments I think it was missing something.

Other things that I noticed was Charlie's eyes/stare when Amy does a strip tease for them after feeling violated by them gawking at her. It wasn't a gawk of lust it was... like he was going mad or something. I like he does better as a viking vampire in True Blood.

The only elements of a horror movie was animals were killed, rape and it took place in the south. I was very disappointed to see that this movie had potential to be a horror movie, but did nothing for me.

I would rate this movie with 2 zombies. Don't rent it.

Movie Review: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

For you youngsters you might not remember there was a cartoon called Attack of the killer tomatoes, which came from this movie. I never saw it and boy I kind of wish I never had. I was surprised by the approach of this movie. From what I remember about the cartoon, it was much better.

Synopsis: Tomatoes have started to attack and kill people.

Review: Yep, that's all you need to know about the movie. Well that and it's a comedy, similar to a Mel Brooks movie or some of the other slapstick comedies from the 1970s. Most of it makes no sense and the tomatoes aren't scary. No faces or anything, just tomatoes.

I know they wanted to make fun of the b-horror movies like The Birds and The Blob, but it just seemed like a stupid movie that some kids made to be funny. I know there's a sequel and I am not sure it's even worth watching.  So this movie is a completely crap. Find the cartoon and watch that instead.  Anyone want to remake this movie?

Movie Review: Scream4

I am always amazed at some horror movie franchise and how they either go on way too long, or not long enough. With Scream I wasn't sure where it was going. The 3rd movie did not seem like the right one to end on and for a movie where, the killer is always different in each movie, it's funny how despite that, we are scare of Ghostface.

Synopsis: It's been 10 years since the Woodsboro killings and Sydney Prescott returns to her hometown on a stop in her book tour. To help with the healing from all the traumatic events from her past. Of course while she thinks nothing is going to happen, but no one seems to let things stay in the past. A new killer emerges and they seem to be targeting Sydney's cousin Jill and her friends.

Review: I have always liked the Scream movies, well 2 and 3 were not that great, but they were better than some of other sequels for horror movies. As usually as the number goes up in the series the worse or too comedic the movie gets. So I was a little unsure with this one if it was really going to be good or not.

What I like about the Scream movies is they play with the "rules" of horror movie and while there are funny moments they don't get too carried away with humor. It's more about simple funny moments that actually happen in real life.

This movie was all about remakes, which seems just about right since these days there aren't many big new horror series. We are now trying to remake every good slasher film and trying to out do it. We see this in Scream 4 and you want to cheer a long with keeping things original. Even watching my boyfriend noticed right away that the killings were similar to the first movie. I had to tell him yes, but that's all I was going to say since I had seen the movie before him.

My favorite line in the movie happens at the very end and is said by Sydney Prescott and I'm paraphrasing here, "The one rule about remakes you're forgetting is don't fuck with the original." If you know me you'll know I agree with this 100%. There is only one remake I think I have ever liked better than the original and I didn't even like it on it's own.

So if you enjoyed Scream One, you will like Scream 4 just as much.

Movie Review: Hatchet

You would think with a movie that's opening song is by Marilyn Manson that the movie might be good... or at least decent. Oh boy, hold on for this haunted swap tour to get really... STUPID. Oh and the poster claims it's an old school american horror... I hope not.

Synopsis: A group of tourist take a haunted swap tour while on vacation in New Orleans. Their boat gets stuck and they are now being chased by a deformed maniac.




Review: Yes, I know that synopsis is short, but really that's what it is all about. If I went into more depth, you would be getting a play by play rather that a quick summery. Yes, the movie does begin and end with the same Marilyn Manson song and for me, that really draws me in. No I'm not a fan, but there is an element to his music that tells you to hold on and get ready for a crazy ride. The rest of the movie has this crappy music that sounds like it should be in some 1980s romance or drama film.

I don't know where to begin. Maybe the cameos of some of my favorite horror stars that just... well doesn't really do them justice. Or do I want to start with how this plot is a little too similar to Piranhas 3d, note this movie was made before Piranhas and not written by the same guy. Or should  start with the bad story line and bad killing scenes?

I think I will go with the cameos. I cannot remember why I added this to my queue other than I need movies to watch for hack and slash. When I see Robert Englund, my favorite modern horror movie actor appear in the first scene I was hoping this would be good... WRONG. It was just like Richard Dryfus' character in Piranhas. Just a cameo and barely on screen. The second cameo was done by someone, who I have not seen the movies that have made him famous, Candyman, but has been in the Final Destination movies. Tony Todd, that's right. So I thought okay this should get better... he is dressed in purple and talking like a pirate. The next cameo probably passed most people by. If you didn't know his real name or the character she is best known for, hint he wears a hockey mask,  wouldn't recognized him. Kane Hodden, who plays Jason Vorhees in the Friday the 13th series. His part was better, but not by much. He didn't say a word.

So the movie seems like every other new horror movie, except for the torture and rape horror movies, where it's very funny and lighthearted at the beginning and you are wondering if you are watching an actual horror movie or a comedy. Then you get lots of boob shots by the director of a "soft porn" movie and a bunch of strangers that would never be on an elevator together let alone and crappy horror movie.

The story of the killer is he was deformed and the kids made fun of him. So his dad was his only human contact. One night teenagers used firecrackers to get the killer, Victor, to come out and instead light the shack on fire. His dad, comes just in time to try to save him, but because the boy is against the door and his dad is using an ax to get the door open kills his son when the ax strikes his head. He never leaves the shack until he dies.


So somehow, maybe the second movie explains this Victor is alive and kills anyone who comes close to the shack. He doesn't just kill them with a hatchet, but rips the open, using power tools and other random methods. The story of how he's alive is he's still living in the day he died... I'm not expert, but I've seen a lot of supernatural and slasher films to know this is a crappy excuse for the killer to be alive. They needed a better story for him.

So the gore was bloody, but the fight scenes were too... rehearsed and choppy.. I didn't believe for a second that they were really that into fighting him, but boy did they love to run from him. Yet, I don't remember anyone slipping or tripping in this movie. That's like a classic slasher element.

The characters were just stupid. Like I said none of them belonged together and I think they just pick character stories out of a hat for this movie. Yes, you have to have the slutty girls and the horny guy, but the couple form the midwest or the sappy lovesick boy...? Not very well played out.

Edited for an addition: Oh and what the hell was the part about keeping secretes for? It's not like Victor killed people who lied or people who had a deep dark secrete. We get that the Asian guy lied, but why was everyone else starting to confess like there were in a Catholic church? I know it wasn't to get rid of guilt before they died. Seemed really thrown in.

And the ending... CLIFFHANGER! Though I hear that the sequel starts right were his one left off, which is good because I thought they ran out of money and couldn't finish the final kill scene.

So don't waste your time with this movie. Hopefully Hatchet II or III are much better, but when are the sequels better? Usually never.

Here's the trailer, which looks much better than the movie itself.

Movie Review: Trollhunter

This is a foreign film, that I believe they are going to do an American version of. If so I am not sure that is going to be any good. To warn you this movie is one of those "found tapes" documentary movies and while it's not exactly horror trolls are creatures and they can fit into the horror category.

Synopsis: This movie is about a college film crew who is trying to figure out why all these bears are being killed. They believe it is a poacher named Hans and they start following him. What they are about to find out is that he's not killing bears, but trolls. He is the solo reason most people in Norway from having to deal with them. They get in over their heads as they decide to document their journey with him and he's willing to give up national secrets, which puts them all in danger.

Review: I was recommended to see this movie. I put it off, but I will say it was worth a bit of wait. It's a very good movie. It is probably the only "documentary" "found tapes"  movie I have ever liked. That is saying a lot since I usually hate and stay away from this genre all together. Maybe because it's a foreign film that it's done well or it's an interesting concept that makes it good. The acting was done very well. It's not done where it's too cheesy or just bad acting.  I would recommend seeing this movie. It has some great scenes and special effects to it.

Movie Review: Let Me In

I have been putting this one off because it's a crappy movie. I put off watching it and once I did, I did not see how how anyone liked it. It was trying to be different, but it was just a crappy vampire movie.

Synopsis: A tormented boy has a new neighbor, a young girl. She at first will not be his friend, but finally she does. Their friendship becomes strong and he learns that she has a dark secret.

Review: This movie was just okay. It's a vampire movie, but that's hard to tell since it lacks much of anything that is typical for a vampire movie. The plot is just boring and I really did not see how people were raving about this movie. I think this movie was over amped up.

Do not waste your time with this movie. It was nothing important or ground breaking.

Movie Review: Buried

This was the second movie I got from Rue Morgue's contest and while it's not exactly horror it does have that psychological thriller aspect to it. Get ready for this review because... I am going to tear it a new one.

Synopsis: A truck driver wakes up buried alive after his convey is attack by Iraqi insurgents. He frantically calls everyone he can think of so he can survive and get out. His captures ask him to get millions of dollars and to make videos so he can be release.

Review: Do you all remember the movie Phone booth with Colin Ferrel? Well this movie is just like that, but in a coffin and you only see Ryan Reynolds. This is a movie from Spain and mad did it suck. I was bored and within ten minutes I knew it was going to be like Phone Booth. The only difference is after then minutes of watching Phone Booth I stopped watching it and returned it back to the rental store. This one I sat through it hoping it was get better.

Yes, being buried alive is a horrible thing and you add the fact that Iraqis did it to you, you scare people. What bores them is Reynolds grunting and moaning over and over again. I was just bored and was waiting to see if he lives or dies.

So no gore, other than he cuts his finger, but you heard it only. There's a scene were a snake magically appears in his pant leg. Not sure what kind of snake it was suppose to be, but it looked like a black king snake that we have here in Arizona. No climax, no excitement. Just utter boredom. It was like putting a camera in an empty room and claiming it to be a great movie.

I am glad however that this was a free movie that I was given and not one that I bought. It was a huge waste of my time and I am not sure how anyone could love this movie. So avoid this movie at all costs.

Movie Review: The Rite

Yeah another exorcism movie. I actually started this movie, got bored and I stop watching it. After I watched The Last Exorcism I decided to finish The Rite and see if I could get into it more.

Synopsis: Michael, who's father is a funeral director, joins the priesthood in order to get away from him. He goes to Seminary school where he decides to drop out with having no faith anymore. After witnessing an accident and being asked to pray for the victim herself, his mentor sends him to the Vatican to take the exorcism classes in hopes to bring Michael's faith back. Still not a believer he is sent to Father Lucas, an Exorcist to help with a 16 year old pregnant girl.

Through this time Michael still is a skeptic and he starts to see things that he has trouble understanding. It takes time for him to become a believer.

Review: Like I said above I got bored with this movie. It is like every other exorcism movie I have ever seen. There's the believer and the nonbeliever. Someone is possessed, usually an innocent child, and by the end of the movie the nonbeliever either does believe, or they die. So what is different about this movies? Nothing honestly, you barely get a look into the Catholic Church's exorcism school. There is some underlying issue between Michael and his father that seems to do with his mother's death, but I am not sure what it was.

The "journey" of Michael becoming a believer seemed pointless. He went through what exactly? I think being tormented by a demon, but that's it. Only because he didn't believe? Then miraculously he believes and defeats the demon... wait how did this happen? I think I missed something. Yes, he lost his father and Father Lucas goes.... crazy? None of that seem to help turn Michael into a believer. Big fail!

I usually like movies with Anthony Hopkins, but not this one. It was just okay. I'd say skip this movie and only watch The Exorcist. It's the only good one out there.

Movie Review: The Last Exorcist

This movie I received from Rue Morgue in a contest I had entered. I will say that I shy away from exorcism movies because they appear to be all the same and growing up Catholic I am not as into them as others maybe. I'm not even sure I knew this movie was made.

Synopsis: A pastor who does exorcisms, yet doesn't believe in demon possessions is making a documentary on how easy it is to trick people into believing they have been cured. He is also doing this since he read several people, a child especially, had died while having one performed on them.

He chooses the first letter he receives and it happens to be a family in the boonies, who's livestock is being slaughtered. What he fines is a more complicated story of a sweet 16 year old girl being "possessed". What he gets is more than he realizes.

Review: Now this is another one of those documentary horror movies, but this one was done well. Maybe because Eli Roth is producing this movie, but it's better than Blair Witch or Paranormal Activity. Done professionally, and none of the teenager handy cam affect. The story and the twist are okay. The story is better than the twist. It does go along with a lot of horror movies of when you think it's all over, there's more to come. I think the ending was a little poorly done. It did not really answer all the questions and I think the audience is suppose to interoperate the ending.

So this movie it done pretty well minus the ending and if you like exorcist movies then go rent it.