Movie Review: Shark Night 3-D

Why must sharks get all the bad rap... yes, you will get this reference later in my blog. Brian and I decided to waste $10 on this movie just so we could have a good laugh. We have very low expectations for this movie and that says a lot since we like to see crappy horror movies and make fun of them during and after the movie is over.

Since my review will be longer because of the videos and what not I am going to give you Brian's review from Inglorious Blogsters first.

Take it away Brian.

Brian's Review:
I went into this movie with the absolute lowest of expectations.  Shark Night 3D failed to meet even that.  There is a big gaping problem with shark/fish horror films: there is an instant way to solve the problem and that is to simply not go into the water!  Aside from that, some of them are actually pretty fun.  Deep Blue Sea and especially Jaws (obviously) are two of these movies that are actually pretty good, and a lot of fun.  This is going to be a special review, as I’ve teamed up with my good friend Fallen Bettie from Fallen Bettie’s Horror House – and trust me, this movie was so bad I needed the help.   Before we begin the review, I should tell you all that we did in fact see this movie in 3D and, no, it was not worth it.  What a shock.

A group of friends decides to blow off some steam by heading to a remote lake house in Louisiana.  Things take a turn for the worse when they find out that they have been made into a smorgasbord for a group of sharks that have been imported into the lake.  (SPOILERS AHEAD)  In order to write more than two sentences to describe the plot, I’m going to have to completely spoil the movie.  Trust me, you’ll be thanking me when you’re spending the ten dollars you would have spent on this movie on something much more worth it…like pogs or something.  So it turns out the sharks have been brought there by a crack team made up of the best local sheriff who has ever worn a badge, some creepy hick with sharply pointed teeth (no reason given for the teeth), and another hick with a scar across his face.  Why are they doing this?  To film the kids getting eaten by sharks and then sell the footage to cable of course!  Obviously cable TV will gladly pay millions for an animal-involved snuff film, and these yokels are more than happy to sacrifice a few strangers in order to collect.  WHAT?!

I have nothing good to say about this movie.  Nothing.  The only positive thing I can say about this movie is it has 2.5 hot girls in it that any 14-year-old boy would quite enjoy, as they spend literally the entire movie in tiny bikinis.  As for the bad aspects about this movie…um, everything.  For starters, the shark in Jaws looked way more believable – and that was 1975!  The movie tries to set up relationships between characters but, as expected, it falls way short.  This includes a “touching” (?) scene where a man who has recently lost his girlfriend to a shark decides to wade into the water (with one arm, mind you) and kill a shark for himself.  At night.  With one arm.  Honestly, movies like these are better off having the characters be complete strangers to each other.  That way the movie can spend more time focusing on “plot” or at least something interesting.  I mean seriously, are we supposed to shed a tear when someone dies in a movie like this?  Wrong.  Also, there are too many copouts: the lake just happens to be saltwater, the house just happens to not get any reception whatsoever despite the fact that this is 2011, the kids just happen to be isolated in the middle of nowhere.  It’s too much of a stretch, even for a movie like this.  This movie (here comes a surprise) is just very poorly put together.  All too often I found myself looking at Fallen Bettie and saying, “What was the point of that?”  And why did the yokels wait to song to kidnap the kids and put them in the water?  They could have just shot them all with tranquilizers right from the start and saved time!  Sigh…but I’m thinking too much into this.  Finally, there is more thing I have to mention – a post-credits shark rap video.  I can’t even describe it, it just has to be seen in order to be believed.  I…I am just at a loss for words.

Final Verdict: SKIP IT SKIP IT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE SKIP IT!!

Fallen Bettie's Review: 

I was already going into this movie thinking it was going to suck, well it sucked through a bent and twisted straw as friends and I used to have to say in our freshman English class, since saying something suck wasn't appropriate unless it was through a straw. I don't think there is a rating low enough for this movie. I guess negative a gazillion billion or something made up would be about right. So sit right back and I will give you everything you will need to know, so you do not go waste your money on this piece of shit movie. 

Synopsis: I am not sure how to explain the movie. Brian did a good job in his review and so here's my shot at it. A group of college "friends" go to the lake house that one of their families own for a fun weekend. Instead of that fun, they get attacked by hot scuba diver, fangy rednecks, and sharks. Of course cell phones, don't work, sharks are attacking anyone who attempts to leave the island and everyone is dying. The protagonists in this movie are 4 dudes who want to make millions in giving a cable network their videos of sharks killing people. 

Review: Oh man, this movie had so many plot holes. The group didn't seem all that close. There was no emotion or interest in trying to act like they cared for each other. Character plot holes, that just did not tell you who these people were and how they knew each other. Six strangers on an island would have been better... oh wait there is a movie like that, but without sharks, it's called Suicide Girls Must Die... there's another crappy movie for you. Anyway, there is also no explaining why or how, this group formed, how they got the sharks to the lake and other than getting rich, why they are doing this. That right there had even more plot holes than I can explain. I think someone would notice some rednecks stocking the lake with big ass sharks. 

There's a magical lighter that appears in the male lead character's pocket that saves him that came out of nowhere, no explaining in a pervious scene that he should have it for protection or anything. Just magically appears like Lucky Charms or Frank the bunny. 

Now onto the 3-d aspects.... they were bad. The movie was shot completely in 3-d, which is cool, but not when there's a fast forward driving scene for 5 minutes and most of the scenes are underwater. The 3-d made my eyes want to keep crossing and I had to shut my eyes so I didn't leave the theater looking like a fly permanently landed on my nose. The scene that would have been really cool to have it look like you were getting eaten by the shark switch camera angles so you could see the character get eaten... would have be better if I would have a shark in my face. Also, there's an awesome scene where the boat blows up... but instead of that flying at my head you get to pieces of shrapnel fly by the side of your head. The details of the sharks was hard to see like how to tell the difference since there was "suppose" to be 8 different species of sharks. I use to love all things marine life and can tell the difference between species of sharks, but I could not do that in this movie. There's also no nudity so my idea for this movie to get little teen boys happy with 3-D boobs was wrong. 

If you do see this movie and want to laugh out WHAT THE FUCK about a million times stay after the credits. There's a 2 minute rap done by the cast.... yes a fucking rap song. I think it was to save sharks and tell you the entire plot of the movie, but I'm not sure. I was laughing my ass off too much. It's corny and horrible... what were these people thinking??!!

Here's a crappy cellphone version of what it is.

DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!